Don’t worry Papa

We arrive in Florence on Saturday and SWKB is anxious to go to mass, Saturday evening is her favourite time. It avoids messing up Sunday, for sure. At about 6:30 we arrive at the south east door of the Duomo, and find a mass in progress; strange since it was scheduled to start at 6:30. There are large TV screens including one outside in the Piazza del Duomo which show the proceedings. This looks like it is going to take a long time, so SWKB asks an official what is going on and reports back that the Pope is dead. There is a long sermon going on with occasional applause throughout the cathedral, but not much crying. This is a strange reaction for Italian Catholics on such an occasion; however, we go along with this explanation.
Back at the hotel, SWKB asks the receptionists if they know that the pope has died. No one is aware of this sad news. “Who told you this?” and “Were they speaking Italian?” Eventually, the comment was made: “don’t worry, we can make a new pope!”
It turns out that the occasion was the appointment of a new arch bishop, since the previous one has died some time ago.

Well, why not, madam

Italian waiters attend a special school. They are trained over many years. They know the correct procedure for handling any dish you care to mention, any cocktail or drink you can request. Entering the profession is never taken lightly. You may have to work under a true master for nearly all you working life before you can achieve the pinnacle of your dreams. When you are the head waiter of the Terrazza Brunelleschi, roof top restaurant of the Baglioni Hotel in Florence, you know all there is to know.
So when SWKB took it upon herself to specify how to make a pot of English tea, our dear host had the air of a Pope being told how to pray. "Could you please put the tea bag in the pot first?" He had obviously just bitten into a lemon, such was the expression on his face. "And then pour in hot water." He backed away, as if near a fire that was too hot. There was a pause. Building in his head was a frantic desire to reinstate the correct order. He was the Pope, we were the humble pilgrims. How could she possibly imagine that she could teach him anything? But the years of training, and indeed the very reputation of the Terrazza Brunelleschi itself were at stake here. After a long pause came the classic reply: "Well, why not, madam," uttered as if it clearly could make no possible difference to the outcome, but if madam wished to be humoured, then madam will be humoured. We were indeed served with a pot of tea in which the tea bag appeared to have been present before the water was added.
Needless to say the Terrazza Brunelleschi served impeccable food and generous helpings. The service was at the relaxed Italian pace that we had come to respect during our short time in Florence. Also of note are Ristorante Ciro and Sons (via del Giglio 28R) (see photo below), sporting a massive chandelier, family owned and run, extremely friendly in the way that only Italians can be. We were treated to a display of the children in their Halloween costumes whilst enjoying our lunch, at an outside table on the last day of October. Trattoria "Il Porcospino" (Piazza Madonna degli Aldobrandini) served superb Lobster, again in a friendly atmosphere.

Innuendo Fruit

What is a Melon? A sweet soft fruit from certain members of the gourd family. Actually, the word derives from the Greek for gourd-apple: “melopepon”. It can also mean a colour (of melon flesh) or the visible upper portion of the head of a surfacing whale or dolphin or even any windfall of money to be divided among specified participants.

What about Melons? Oh dear. All of a sudden we have leapt to the world of Benny Hill and the "Yakety Sax" tune is ringing in our ears. Benny is chasing a half naked woman around in jerky fast motion. Or Barbara Windsor, displaying her ample melons is being ogled by Kenneth Williams and he is making a sound that only he could make.

There we go again. The word “ample” is high-jacked by such a specific use. There are so many words we must avoid unless we intend to exploit innuendo or euphemism. Take “cervical” for example. I know what you are thinking. It has to refer to the cervix of the uterus. But no; check out where your cervical vertebrae are?

Balls, ejaculate, erection, fag, gay, hump, intercourse, jerk, pendulous, penetration, petting, pussy, queer, rigid, rosebud, rubbers, scoring, sheaths, starfish... So many words lost to reasonable use.

This type of innuendo relies on euphemism. Here we find an even richer seam to mine. Just take the euphemisms for death, as an example: passed away, passed on, checked out, bit the big one, kicked the bucket, bitten the dust, popped their clogs, pegged it, carked it, turned their toes up, bought the far, cashed in their chips, croaked, given up the ghost, gone south, shuffled off this mortal coil, Run down the curtain and joined the Choir Invisible, or assumed room temperature, checking out the grass from underneath or six feet under.

In fact, Dr. Bernard Nathanson has pointed out that the word "euthanasia" itself is a euphemism, being Greek for "good death".

Pretty soon there will be nothing we can say that does not carry multiple meanings. If multiple meaning is the source of much humour, then perhaps the real danger is that we all die laughing.

Information is New World Energy Threat

Jonathan Koomey of Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory and Stanford University has estimated that 1.6% of the US electricity consumption is now being used to power servers in data centres. This includes the necessary cooling systems and associated data-networking equipment. The figure has doubled in the past five years giving an annual growth of about 14%. This represents the output of five 1000 MW power plants. For the whole world, the figure is 14 such plants, and the total cost of this electricity $7.2B per year.

If growth continues at this rate, information could become the dominant use of energy. The calculations above do not account for the domestic use of energy for information purposes. Consumption by TVs is a comparable level (1.5%) and the consumption from domestic and office computers similarly is significant.

So even if we stop burning up fuel to fly around the world, eventually, energy needed to sustain our data bases and provide the video conference in place of flying will be our next energy problem.

The solution: maybe a shortage of energy will itself bring about a population reduction. The human race is subject to the laws of nature just as much as any other species on the planet, but the implications of this may be harsher than we would wish (see Paul Chefurka, 2007)

Warnings about Warnings

Rumble strips warn you about something – right? Rumble strips are supposed to make you look around, see what it is, wake you up at the moment when it might be important. Rumble strips are there to deliver a simple message - beware!

You are just coming towards a pedestrian crossing! You are approaching a roundabout! This is where the 20 mph zone starts! Cyclists cross here!

So when you get a warning that there is a warning ahead, is this good or bad. Or does it just make more money for the vendors of street signs.

I can hear the street furniture vendor talking to the road safety committee of my local authority: “You should be aware that we sometimes get complaints when we fit rumble strips. The best way to minimize the risk from this is to warn people that there are rumble strips ahead. Other authorities we work for tell us that if they fit the rumble strip warning sign then at least when they get a complaint, they can say that the plaintiff was warned. Unfortunately, that will add another £2700 to your costs, but that is a small price to pay to prevent you being sued”

“I thought something awful was happening to the car, so I braked hard. I was concerned that I might otherwise loose control. I didn’t notice there was a juggernaut just behind me. The juggernaut driver was very understanding, but he still wrote my car off.”

Maybe, sir, you were too busy trying to work out what the “Rumble Strips 200m” sign might mean, or why there might be rumble strips ahead anyway.

Building Modern Cathedrals

Managing a team of software engineers, as I do, was once likened to ‘herding cats.’ I knew immediately what was meant.

We expect a lot from software engineers. Their work requires them to obey very specific rules – rules of the computer. So when it comes to controlling them in other ways, their energy for obeying is all spent. The tedium of the machine’s demands dominate any demands that I may have.

The software engineer, or programmer, has to work to a consistently exact set of rules. Everything she or he creates must comply, there is not escape. The code must compile! Before the code can be used, or even tested, the exact syntactical rules of a software compiler must be obeyed, without question. You have nothing until all the compiler errors are gone.

Now getting your program to compile is only the first step. There are other things I want our software engineers to do. I want their software to do something useful. I want it to meet the customer needs and do this better than the competition.

To do this, I want us to create software that is easy to use. Anybody who has used a computer has come across software that does not seem to make sense; you just can’t work out what buttons to click or what to type on the keyboard to get what you want. I don’t want that to happen with our software.

Also, I do actually want the software to do what it is supposed to. If is has to add up a column of numbers and then find the average, then that is what it must do… under all circumstances. Is that too much to ask?

Then there are the bugs. What happens when the computer’s disk is full? Does the program grind to a halt, but never reveal the secret of why it has stopped doing anything. If you do things in an unusual order, or simply use a feature that no one actually tested, does it ‘crash’ or ‘hang’ – i.e. stop working either by disappearing, or freezing. Does the program ‘crash’ or ‘hang’ just occasionally, for no apparent reason? That is the most difficult one to sort out!

Finally, how quickly does the program work? If the user asks for something, by clicking on a button on the screen, how long do they have to wait before it happens?

The compiler checks for none of these things; all the compiler is interested in is that it can understand the code the programmer has written. It checks for syntax, a bit like a very fussy spelling and grammar checker. If you get both these correct, it is happy. If the sentence you have written is complete gibberish, then that is of no concern to the compiler.

In order to build large and complex applications with lots of useful features and do this in a reasonable time (months not years) you need a team effort. All the discipline of the software engineer must now happen whilst a whole team work on all the code together. Each coder will be working on different bits, but everything must join up and work together. This is not easy.

In spite of the demands on software engineers, my greatest satisfaction is to see their devotion to their art.

Our application is not the biggest or hardest piece of software that engineers have created. An operating system, the bit of software that runs the whole computer and allows various applications all to run together, is even more complex.

In his book ‘The Craftsman,’ Richard Sennett talks of modern crafts: Linux (an operating system), for Sennett, is the work of a community of craftsmen “who embody some of the elements first celebrated in the (Homeric) Hymn to Hephaestus”. Craftsmanship is “an enduring, basic human impulse, the desire to do a job well for its own sake”.

The Trial – Franz Kafka

We all have stories that you could not make up. I was once allocated the budget to recruit a new member of the engineering team I managed. However, before I could spend this approved budget, I had to apply for approval to 'increase the head count'. To do this, I had to submit a particular form at a certain date to the HR department and this, I was told, would be reviewed at the next board meeting. My first submission was rejected, with the instruction that more information was needed, which I duly provided – a full A4 sheet justifying the need for the post. This was also rejected – I was informed that the extra information must fit the form. OK, much reduced information was now provided, and soon I heard from one source that the position had finally been approved, and I should expect official notification soon. I proceeded with the recruitment, but on the day before a second interview with a candidate to whom I expected to make a job offer, I was told through the official channel that in fact the position had not been approved. I cancelled the interview. Half an hour later I heard from a more senior person in the organisation that yes, the position had been approved. After explaining the situation, I got an e-mail endorsed by the CEO to confirm this. Through the recruitment agent I then tried to contact the candidate, who as it happens was flying to the UK for the interview. Sorry, I wanted to say, can you come after all? The message did not get through. The second interview never happened. Who in their right mind would want to work for an organisation which behaved like that? Like me? How could I find myself in such a position? In the event I had to continue the search and the position was filled more than a month later than it could have been.
Kafka knows this world. A world were little makes sense. Where each action you take made sense at the time, but, when you are judged by the result, none of it makes sense. A world where snippets of information must be weighed for their value in influencing your decision, but the rules are never clear and the results unpredictable. A world where your emotions, you anger, must be harnessed, not unleashed, if you are even to survive. In the human search for understanding, familiarity sufficient to achieve predictability, there is so much to digest, so many theories to test against the meagre data.
'The Trial' is probably Franz Kafka's most pure example of his art. A complex fabric of topics, treated with consummate ease. In simple language. On bureaucracy? Is Kafka's world an amplification of the absurdity we find all around us? That absurdity that results from human behaviour that is the natural consequence of animals with consciousness, driven by emotion. We only pretend to be working in a rational framework of necessary rules designed to achieve a clear purpose. Worse than that, the fabric grows as we each attempt to carve out our own livelihood in what has gone before. We are at once cushioned and shielded from the original intent by the ever expanding fabric of the organisation. Inscrutable procedures are evident but few clues as to what you should do are available. The rules are never explicit; they depend on interpretation and everyone has their own interpretation.
Equally, this novel evokes a tingling sensation reminiscent of that curious state between wakefulness and sleep, between dream and reality where nightmares are mixed with reality and it is impossible to tell which is tangible and which pure imagination – or horror. For a Jew living since the holocaust this novel is a chilling echo to the view held by Nazis that Jews are in some way guilty to the extent that they must be eliminated, a whole race. But no one can say what they are guilty of.
Sex is a recurring theme. Kafka explores this in its many aspects. Read the novel, there is much, much more in store for you!

EDF – Rewards You for Using Less!

EDF now have an advertising campaign in which the strap line is “rewarding you for using less.” This is a very interesting concept in view of the way they treated me. I used less electricity (because I left my house vacant) and they rewarded me by charging me for a complete trip round the meter, which incidentally costs about £13,000!

I moved to a rented house in another part of the country and left my house in Bolton empty because of a change of job. As it happens, just before I moved I changed gas and electricity provider. This is something we should all do periodically in our free market economy of energy supply. I this case, it was a coincidence that I made the change just before moving out of the property. But the consequences were very interesting:

On 2nd January 2007 EDF Energy claimed £13,367 from my bank account. This was done under a Direct Debit arrangement. In the event, my bank honoured the payment, but informed me by letter: “We’ve made all the payments that you arranged to come out of your account this morning. Unfortunately, because there was not enough money in your account to cover them, this means your account is now over your overdraft limit.” A slight understatement!

EDF Energy customer services were phoned immediately on receiving the letter. They told me that obviously an error had been made, but that it would take weeks to refund the money as it would need to be approved by a series of managers. When I asked why a similar procedure was not in place when claiming large amounts from domestic customers, they declined to comment (the line went silent).

After discussion with my bank, I requested that the money be claimed back under the indemnity insurance for direct debits. Interestingly my bank did not tell me that this was possible when I phoned them initially. Until that could be arranged I had to transfer some of my savings into my current account, so that I could continue to operate my bank account. The bank charged me £30 for dealing with exceeding my overdraft limit plus some interest charges.

Having looked into this further, I find that this has occurred as a result of a series of mistakes or poor practice made by EDF Energy, Atlantic Electric and Gas (my previous supplier) and possibly a meter reader contracted by EDF Energy. These three organisations each played a part. Further investigation reveals further alarming practices by both EDF Energy and Atlantic Electric and Gas.

My findings are as follows:

1. EDF Energy failed to put in place any system to check a claim for payment against a domestic customer that was clearly ridiculous.
2. EDF Energy also failed to present me with an invoice for this claim for payment. Interestingly, this was a final payment arising from us moving out of the property with tenants moving in on 1st December 2006. Final meter readings were phoned through for both electricity and gas at the same time. We received a final invoice for the gas, which we settled by cheque, but no invoice for the electricity has arrived. The first we knew about it was when my bank contacted me.
3. A meter reading made on 25 November 2006 by a contractor was incorrect for both the daytime and night-time meters. Either this or EDF Energy deliberately changed the readings.
4. Atlantic Electric and Gas, who were my supplier until 12th March 2006 provided EDF Energy with estimated meter readings that were artificially high and presented these as actual readings. This enabled them to claim more money than they were due, at a time when they knew that they were loosing the account to EDF Energy. To me, this looks to me like sharp practice.
5. EDF Energy increased their prices just one day after I transferred to them as a supplier. Clearly I changed supplier in order to achieve the best possible price. This again looks suspicious to me. Did all their customers have increased pricing on 13th March 2006?
6. Atlantic Electric and Gas produced a series of inaccurate meter readings for my night meter. This simply suggests incompetence to me.

Poor Rowan – He is Doing his Best

The commentary and controversy about Rowan Williams' recent foundation lecture at the Royal Courts of Justice entitled “Civil and Religious Law in England: a Religious Perspective” seems to be generated by people who neither heard the lecture nor took the trouble to read the transcript. Here is my attempt to translate - from Dr William’s regrettably difficult turn of phrase – the last three paragraphs (my apologies, Dr Williams, if I have mistranslated):

The concept of human rights now dominates the thinking behind the laws of many countries, including Britain. However, we must remember that our laws stem from our historical context of religion and culture. With respect to certain “aspects of marital law, the regulation of financial transactions and authorised structures of mediation and conflict resolution” there is room to reconcile Islamic law (Sharia) with UK law. This may be achieved by parallel systems, as is currently the case with the Beth Din, a Jewish court which mediates on a range of disputes within the orthodox community. If we wish to reconcile the particular religious beliefs of minority groups within our society with our current laws, both sides must be prepared to work at this (“transformative accommodation”). The legal systems stemming from particular religions must be careful not to alienate their followers by being “inflexible or over-restrictive” and the secular legal system may need to find creative ways to prevent “ghettoising and effectively disenfranchising a minority.” In running parallel systems, one religious and one secular, however, it is “unavoidable” that people will have to make choices between the two.

What is so wrong with what Rowan Williams has said? I suggest that the reaction that has ensued betrays a deep prejudice and bigotry. Dr William’s legacy may turn out to be as precipitator of a turning point in cultural reconciliation. Sorry, to translate: we may one day be thankful for what Rowan has said, because when we have worked out what he meant, it will help the world become a better place.

Public and Private – Please do not Mix Mr Cameron

In the public sector, by due process of democracy, politicians are elected, majority parties form governments, ministers are appointed by a party elected party leaders (prime ministers) and ministers run departments to spend tax payers money. The government, and hence the ministers and the departments are accountable to the electorate via the ballot box. Opposition parties are able to challenge on a weekly basis (question time) the decisions made by the prime minister and his or her ministers. Guided by party policy, declared in a manifesto, ministers and or officials in a department can be held accountable and ultimately may loose their jobs if the wrong decisions are made or behaviour deemed unacceptable. The whole system is designed to achieve the best interests of the taxpayer, in terms of how our money should be spent. Government also proposes new legislation and deals on an hour by hour basis with both internal and external (foreign) issues that may arise, such as natural disasters, war, terrorism, and defending our borders against a foe. Success or failure is judged by how successfully the government meets the will of the people, collectively by a democratic system.

The private sector is regulated by legislation developed by various elected governments over a period of decades such as the companies act. It is, however, a completely different system. In this system everyone is accountable to the shareholders. The driving force is profit. Please let us not confuse this. The success or failure of a company is ultimately judged purely by profit. The ultimate threat to those running either publicly quoted or private companies is that the company may fail financially. If no profit is made, or insufficient investment is made by the share holders backing a new venture whilst it is being developed to profitability, financial liability will exceed assets and this will become evident in the accounts a company is required prepare under the companies act. If a company fails, the shareholders loose their money, the company is sold or closed, creditors may never get paid and jobs may be lost, in that order. In particular, the shareholders are motivated to ensure that the executives they employ to run their company do a good job in creating the profit, and it is the shareholders who decide whom they employ.

So when fines are imposed on an organisation, the effects are quite different under the two systems. Fining a company for misbehaviour or poor performance will affect the share holders first and foremost. The company in question may have to be closed, if the fines are large enough or frequent enough. Fining a part of government funded organisation however has no such effect. It merely reduces the funds available that may be needed to tackle the problem. No shareholders are penalised. No threat of closure exists.

So, Mr Cameron, when you propose that NHS trusts are to be fined for allowing MRSA infections in patients to occur, what exactly do you expect to happen? Who are the shareholders who will suffer personally as a result of the mismanagement? When did an NHS trust close and all the business go to competitors because of financial pressure as a result of such fines? The whole concept of private/public partnerships is totally misconceived. This is a good example of why. Please get your thinking straight.

Also when asked, you were unable to say how, realistically, you could tell if such an infection were brought into the hospital by the patient, or acquired by the patient whilst in hospital. Your off-the-cuff reaction was that “surely modern technology could be used to check each patient when they arrive by screening them”. Just think about that for a moment. What are the costs? What is the bureaucratic burden? What a complete and utter waste of time and money!

I’m only glad that the democratic system kicks in here, so that the holders of such poorly thought out thinking will not find themselves in power in our government! At least I hope that is the case. All systems are fallible.

Nutcracker – Gerald Scarfe Style

The Coliseum (St Martin’s Lane) is a spacious, opulent theatre of distinctive Rococo style, home of Sadler’s Wells Opera Company (now English National Opera) since 1968. Here is an institution of classic style; with gravitas and dignity. The auditorium is huge and grand, almost breathtaking on your first visit; the proscenium arch is the widest in London. There are innumerable boxes of varying styles and sizes; some clearly designed to be seen in rather than from which to see. With over 2300 seats, this is a large impressive theatre.

So this is a fitting setting indeed for the latest English National Ballet production of Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker which breaks some conventions and challenges the style barriers for this much loved Christmas tradition. With a compelling mix of old and new styles, the first act was a stunning array of humour, style and story portrayed by dance and mime. Traditional German wooden nutcracker dolls usually crack nuts in their mouths; this nutcracker, however, cracks nuts between his legs – there is a very dark joke there somewhere! Grandfather flirts with house guest Miss V. Aggra, to the consternation of Grandmother. When given a phial of medicine by Herr Drosselmeyer, he is transformed from aged Zimmer-frame user to agile and comic star. He tops an initial circus level summersault laden dance with a spectacular second wind (more Viagra!) ending in a frankly dangerous stunt with his Zimmer frame. The army of mice wear gas masks; the toy soldiers include those arriving by parachute; the snow fairies arrive through the opened door of a fridge and Clara and her Prince leave on a paper aeroplane!

The second act was a little disappointing after the standard set in the first: the medley of dances (Spanish, Chinese, Arabian, Russian etc) in a land of sweets had some original touches. Clara and the Prince viewed from a box of chocolates. The Russian dance was performed in a turquoise bear outfit, the Chinese dancers showed again the humour and slick mesmerising sparkle of Act 1. However, for the Sugar Plum Fairy pas de deux, and their solo set pieces, choreography reverted back to the traditional Ivanov version. We all love this of course, but have seen it so many times before. At this point, Gerald Scarfe's set had nothing to add to the atmosphere.