Innuendo Fruit

What is a Melon? A sweet soft fruit from certain members of the gourd family. Actually, the word derives from the Greek for gourd-apple: “melopepon”. It can also mean a colour (of melon flesh) or the visible upper portion of the head of a surfacing whale or dolphin or even any windfall of money to be divided among specified participants.

What about Melons? Oh dear. All of a sudden we have leapt to the world of Benny Hill and the "Yakety Sax" tune is ringing in our ears. Benny is chasing a half naked woman around in jerky fast motion. Or Barbara Windsor, displaying her ample melons is being ogled by Kenneth Williams and he is making a sound that only he could make.

There we go again. The word “ample” is high-jacked by such a specific use. There are so many words we must avoid unless we intend to exploit innuendo or euphemism. Take “cervical” for example. I know what you are thinking. It has to refer to the cervix of the uterus. But no; check out where your cervical vertebrae are?

Balls, ejaculate, erection, fag, gay, hump, intercourse, jerk, pendulous, penetration, petting, pussy, queer, rigid, rosebud, rubbers, scoring, sheaths, starfish... So many words lost to reasonable use.

This type of innuendo relies on euphemism. Here we find an even richer seam to mine. Just take the euphemisms for death, as an example: passed away, passed on, checked out, bit the big one, kicked the bucket, bitten the dust, popped their clogs, pegged it, carked it, turned their toes up, bought the far, cashed in their chips, croaked, given up the ghost, gone south, shuffled off this mortal coil, Run down the curtain and joined the Choir Invisible, or assumed room temperature, checking out the grass from underneath or six feet under.

In fact, Dr. Bernard Nathanson has pointed out that the word "euthanasia" itself is a euphemism, being Greek for "good death".

Pretty soon there will be nothing we can say that does not carry multiple meanings. If multiple meaning is the source of much humour, then perhaps the real danger is that we all die laughing.